The Artist’s Gaze

Kilgour Prize Finalist 2020
30.5cm x 30.5cm
Oil, iridescent acrylic and iridescent pigment on panel

This was my first self-portrait in over 15 years. It’s based on themes explored in therapy: identity, home, shyness, feeling like an ‘object of interest’ coming from a bi-ethnic background, being under the constant gaze of others both during and after puberty and not being able to or not wanting to meet that gaze. I wanted to portray the deeply human desire to be seen, as well as my relatively recent willingness to gaze within and truly see and know myself as I am.

The portrait’s small size forces the viewer near and invites them to observe me. It’s a challenge to myself to allow myself to be gazed upon—albeit by only one or two at a time. I’m off centre, slightly tentative, but still, I meet the gaze head-on. Unlike the mediaeval Madonna, my gaze is direct. With the spotlight behind me facing the viewer, they are being observed as much as I am.

“Apart from material necessities, the most important need of any human being is to be seen. […] while the desire to be seen is great in all of us, it is countered by an equal force pulling in the opposite direction, which is the desire to be like everyone else. […] To be seen is vital, but not to be seen is vital too. Nothing feels more perilous to us than to be exposed to the attention and gaze of others.”

– Karl Ove Knausgaard, The End: My Struggle Book 6